Home
...   
03:22pm 16/12/2006
 
mood: amused
What happens when you go to sleep ignoring the fact that you are horny??















You have sex dreams involvind your best friends of the opposite sex and their siblings.
and the random hot guy that you happened to see that day.
I had like five dreams last night.
Let me tell you....
I am exhausted.		  
      concerned?
 
Could it get any more bazaar?   
10:47pm 11/11/2006
 
music: peter pan syndrome
ugh. I don't know what is going on anymore.
College stuff looks good.
I might win a 30 000 dollar scholarship so I'm excited about that.
I enjoyed summer. I was away from gossip. Away from people talking shit.
Away from some girl claiming I tried to steal her boyfriend.
Now that schools back in I can't really avoid it.
If I had actually tried to steal her boyfriend I would have.
The shit she makes up is ridiculous.
It's funny how things can't just disappear. two horrible memories in my life keep coming back around to me in cycles. It sucks alot.
I wish I could just get out of highschool and avoid the undercurrent of drama.
It's getting old.
As for guys I'm in a dilemma..
Pisces seem to be fond of me right now.
I'm gonna stay away from water signs thankyou very much.



I'm confused.. and tired.. and want something new.		  
      1 play the role of  - concerned?
 
Why don't I just drop out?   
11:38am 18/10/2006
 
mood: annoyed
music: the gloaming- radiohead
School is a waste of time.
I'm too smart for highschool.
It's a big huge joke.
My classes are too easy.
I want nothing more than to just get my G.E.D., Take a year off, save up some money, and start college at M.I.U.A.D. next October.
I think it sounds like an amazing plan.
I could use a year off.
Making money.
Working on personal accomplishments.
But, it's just that I'm so close to actually graduating.
The fucking diploma is right there.
Apparently, the first two quarters of senior year are supposed to be hard to deal with.
and after that time flies by because of all the senior events. But, I can do without senior events.
I can do with just making money for a year and sleeping in. and taking time off to spend with family and friends and my good ol' buddy me.
Maybe if I decided to do DCT. I'd feel better about this.
But I didn't and maybe I should have. Oh, but I didn't because of KP
Which I thought would be like last year, but it's not like last year.
It sucks. I hate REY! I despise REY! He has been nothing but a pain in my ass all this year.
He doesn't realize that as a senior I have other priorities, such as applying to college, making sure my credits are in order, and shit like that.
Online classes and shit.
With all this stuff I've had to do on top of being sick, I haven't been to work in three weeks.
Imma try and go today.
Depending on rey's stupid agenda of what people should be doing.		  
      3 play the role of  - concerned?
 
computers are becoming a pointless waste of time...   
10:35am 03/10/2006
 
mood: indescribable
music: televators mars volta
So, I'm incredibly bored. I feel like I can't do anything without money.
I can't go out to do something without money.
I can't make a dress for a scholarship contest without money. because fabric is costy.
I really want to make clothing right now.
But I can't.
So, I'm going to college next October. That ROCKS!
MIAMI INTERNATIONAL UNIVERSITY OF ART AND DESIGN.
I will be a fashion design student so I'm really excited.
And they really like me. The say I'm more advanced than some of their students.
So, AAHH.
But, nell's leaving and that just kinda dampers everything.
I'm sad now but after saturday I have now idea how I'm going to deal with all of it.
She'll be 300 miles away. JEEZ
And I need to start working again and making money.
ajkdfoiehn		  
      concerned?
 
   
06:57am 20/08/2006
 
mood: annoyed
music: glorious - muse
oh my jeezus.
it's amazing how boredom can feel like it's eating away at your soul.
haha.
so, friday Daniela and I decided to take a nap before we went out. We fell asleep around six and didn't wake up till 2:30. So it was too late to go out. Then I fell asleep last night at 11. and woke up this morning at 6 30 exactly. The exact time I wake up every school day. My clock is soo fucked up now. Thankyou school.
Love life?...
I don't get mine.
He's so hard to love and I'd love to hate him, but some how I manage to keep on keepin' on in the lovin department.
I glare at him uncontrollably but that's just because he's being a complete douche.
I feel bad afterward because I know it hurts him. He doesn't want me to hate him.
But I can't help it if in his presence I heat up like a flaming ball of hellfire. He breaks the lock that I've put on the gate to my rage. He unleashes it not knowing what he's done. And apparently too mortified to put it back in the cage that I've specially built for it.
I hate how I can't control myself. I've tried puting a leash on it but he snaps it and lets my beast roam and ravage.
I thought I was done with my anger. But he keeps finding ways to uncover it. I'll hide it in different, more difficult places to find and he somehow manages to stumble upon it.
I would have been perfectly happy hating him from the beginning. But he had to go and fuck that up with his begging "be my friend" bullshit. So I put off my hatred and try hard to make being his friend possible. Then what the fuck does he do? He goes and does things that make me hate him. and it's like, ahg. If I would have let myself hate you from the begining I would have been fine. I would have been great. I would have lived out my life covering him up with hatred that I could control, and I'd uncover him when I was ready. But no. He makes me continue to care for him and then pisses me off. Now I can't control my hatred. What The FUCK!? I hate it all.
I go through so many emotions in one day now.
There's the bewildered "huh?" emotion.
There's the sadistic "Oh my god I want him to suffer" emotion
There's the depressed anxious one "Why can't I just cry?"
There's the reasonable "If only we could just sit down and talk." mentality.
Then there's the worst one of all.
The thinking one.
The one where I sit down and ask a thousand questions that I can never answer on my own. And with those questions just comes more questions. and all I can do is sit down and write questions. I come up with all this theoretical bullshit that causes me to lead myself on and give myself hope when I should have none. But Hope is a fucking Black hole. Nothing can escape it, not even light, It's the most dense thing in the universe and it'll suck you up and change your shape like playdo. How great is that?		  
      2 play the role of  - concerned?
 
top of the mornin' to ya.   
11:57am 20/07/2006
  Happiness..
All my best friends are working with me and we is making money.
I love my supervisors and they love me.
My boyfriend is back from his horribly long trip to a stupid island that noone cares about.
:D HEY NOW HEY NOW MY BOYFRIENDS BACK.
I'm supposed to take senior pics today but I have no Idea what I'm wearing ... and my parents are all hungover so I don't even know if they will wake up in time.
Some of my dreams have been predicting the future lately. It's interesting.
All the boys have jobs except one guy that seems to be causing problems lately. But I love him nonetheless. Just want him to get his shit straight. Julie and Lulu are back from their trip and they came bearing gifts. I really like mine.
My days usually consist of.. The girls and I working and coming home to a girly night... to going out with the guys and drinking.. To hanging at home and lounging with my love. Summer's been great save for the few dramatic episodes that have come around.
I've been spending alot of time at the keys getting sunburned and drinking corona or tequila... I love my family.
I've been really into my design lately. and I've just completed a dress that I really like.
Can't wait for this years play. I love designing. It's great!

Funny, I haven't written in these things in forever. I believe I've lost my knack.		  
      concerned?
 
diary of a cough victim   
01:41am 07/04/2006
 
mood: content
music: yo yo ma
... I've never had a more vicious cough. I've been laying in bed for almost two hours
trying to sleep, but when I lay down all I do is cough.
It sucks..
Tomoro is friday, Which means I will be out late with no energy to be out on.
Spring break is a happy idea. Some how I feel it is too short.
I've come to alot of enlightenments..
Epiphanies of a sort.
About humans, and their behavior or nature.
How we love, and how we observe the people we love,
and How my friends delude themselves in an attempt
to block out over half of the human spectrum of emotion, action, and creation.
How they are only being a fraction of a human.
Trying to make themselves believe that peace love and happiness
are the only things worth looking at.
Worth living on.
Look how far it's gotten them.
You can't call yourself a true humanitarian,
Or even a true "hippy"
if all you do is focus on the good and ignore the bad.
To truly love humans and be happy with them, One needs to love every part of them.
Experience every part of them.
The positive, the negative, the in between, all of it.
You can't just single out the parts we like.
Some of the naivety I've seen lately has really unsettled me.
I'm at least two years younger than all my friends,AT LEAST.
And alot of them I look down on and think, grow up.
Sure, Idealism is great. But it will only carry you so far.
I'm sick of the excuses. I'm sick of the delusion.
I want to pry their eyes open and force them to see.
But of course that won't work.
Seeing isn't believing, Believing is seeing.
I geuss it's our beliefs that are seperating us.
A dispute between ideals.
My will to adapt my ideals to the surrounding environment,
and their's that is unwavering and childish and refusing to mold.
I've grown up so much this year.
I've realized how close I am to all the guys...
and how that ties me down.
I wouldn't trade my relationship with any of them for anything,
but I must say, when I attempt to make new friends but I have those amazing bonds to compare the novice friendships to, it's hard.
It's been so long since the boys and I first met.
We've been best friends for such a long time that I barely remember the beginning.
I barely remember how hard it was at first, when we were all testing the waters, getting a feel for eachother, finding the exact spot in that person's life that we fit where we were comfortable with fitting.
Trying to create new friendships is almost overwhelming in the sense that I want so bad to connect with some people that I fear I over look the connection progress. The baby steps, so to speak.
As if I'm just waiting around to find that point of perfect comfort like I have with my babes.
Love
Now that's an interesting subject. Screwy one at that.
I've come to soo many conclusions about this concept.
About what it means for each individual involved, and what it means for them as a couple.
How humans can find someone drop dead gorgeous one day and not but homely the next.
How beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but behind the eye is the heart.
The heart tells the eye what to see. When the heart loves someone their beauty flourishes.
When the heart is heart looses interest or falls out of love, they grow plain quick.
I've been really overwhelmed with these ideas lately.. this is just a tiny peace of what I've really written down.
But I like playing them over in my head. Each time they sprout new limbs that are always a treat to explore.
Since I've sat up my cough has all but stopped.
Makes it a shame that I have to lay back down.

I miss my car. It was supposed to be here today..
What if I don't have it this weekend?
That sucks soo much.
Lets all think happy thoughts now, shall we?		  
      1 play the role of  - concerned?
 
Today's a good Day to update...   
10:07pm 23/02/2006
  oh life life life...
Neece is in school now,
Let me tell you is she an incentive.
I really want to fix my grudges with people.
Like, Denise's parents...
They think I'm a fucking coke head.
I DON"T DO COKE!!!
but of course they believe Marcos.
And, I want to fix things with a few other people.
Like I don't want to amend friendships.
Like Tony...
I want to talk to him and be like, 'Yo,
We've grown up, I just want you to know,
I don't have any grudges against you.'
And just people I've been mean to before,
Even if I haven't really ever known them but
just came off as a bitch.
Some people I don't want to apologize to,
But I feel things need to be said, just to like,
finalize things. whether an understanding is reached or not,
It will either prove me right or prove me right.
There's either been maturing or there hasn't.
I also really want to know what I've done to people.
What have I done to cause grudges against me?
What did I do in our friendship to cause you to think I ever did anything wrong?
How have I mistreated you in any way?
I need to do something for Denise's sake.
I feel bad that she's in between all this dramatic bullshit.
Even though It's not something I'm obligated to do, and I really shouldn't have to do.
It's not really my place. I just know other people won't take any initiative.
I'm gonna have to be the bigger person here.

relationships...
hmm.. wowzers. i really can't say.
There are so many possibilities... I'm entirely confused.
And time is bothersome, I'm sick of waiting.
And christ...

Daily life....
Hectic.
Costume designs, homework, projects, dance, work, plays, college auditions, state competitions, etc.
So fucking much to think about in one day.
This break without the guys came at the perfect time. I need time to do things alone.

Rumors...
I've heard some rumors going around about me.
Who I like and such..
They make me laugh.
They're so half-witted and senseless.
I mean wtf?, for real
People need to get a life.

College...
Right around the fucking corner..SAT's ACT's...
It's all right there.
I have so much to do this summer and distractions are going to be so
Tempting.

Work...
I haven't gone in a week and then SETC's in a week so missing more work!!
WOOOP.
That's a good fucking break too.

Dance...
Makes me want to commit a multiple homocide, suicide.

Play...
SO EXCITED!!!!
Loving the costume designs and can not wait to get started

I really need a girly day. Or a Nella day.
One where we can just go somewhere as the two of us and just shop like idiots.
I'm starting to understand the whole feminine shopping mindset.
It's like we have soo much to do that we need to treat ourselves to something new as a stress reliever.
Interesting.
I never expected it to be soo simple..
oh, life... so many twists and turns..		  
      4 play the role of  - concerned?
 
WOW...   
10:01pm 26/01/2006
  Today is a day to be marked.
I've decided that I will most likely not adopt.
It's impossible.
I've tried to convince myself for so long that I will and I won't ever get pregnant..
But I can't fight it any more.
I have this need,
to bare life within me.
To feel my stomach swell and know that within months...
A child will emerge.
It's wierd..
I read this book called into the twilight.
started off amazingly cheezy, didn't think i'd finish it.
But, if you are a female and like vampire novels I definitely recommend it.
It made me cry,
(sex scenes are pretty shabby but oh well)
it, really makes me want to be pregnant.
I want my skin to tighten and watch my body,
as it goes through seasons of pregnancy.
The pain of labor doesn't scare me.
I just don't know what will become of me.
I don't know if I will need to have a leg surgery prior to carrying a child.
I don't know if I will need to have a c section.
I don't know if my muscles (once sliced to the bone) will completely recover to full use.
I'll probably be one of those broads that never stops getting pregnant.
I'll be pregnant one right after the other.
.... I've come to realize that I could never get an abortion unless my life was in danger.
I appreciate ....
I don't know, this entry is stupid and sappy and feminine.
wow, but it really does amaze me how much this need to bare life has overtaken me in a day.
I've felt pregnant all day.
NOT A POSSIBILITY...
I only feel pregnant because I got my period..
I know it doesn't make much sense, but my hormones have been jumbled lately.
How does anyone who smokes cigarettes ever become a parent?
It really doesn't seem to fit.

(psst, I am walking around with a pillow in my stomach... shh)		  
      7 play the role of  - concerned?
 
Bored bored bored   
09:30am 10/01/2006
 

Oh, decisions decisions..
My my, well, 3 that I know of 3 I will turn down.
Why do they always happen all at once?
boys, can never be individual enough to have their own timing.
Plohp.
oh my,
District competitions this week.
Kinda nervous, Kinda don't care.
I don't really like my pantomime anyway. The crucible would have been so much better.
My life feels really busy lately.
I got a job and I go to training today. fun.
Sun Surveys.. woop.
I should have my real car by my birthday. It will be spectacular.
I also have dance to deal with too. It doesn't sound like alot but it is.
I think I'm gonna be quasimodo in the hands in harmony show.
I have no idea how to sign, but I guess I will have to.
I wanna try out for something else. Like, Quasimodo will be fun but...
yeah, Not too interested in solely being the ugliest character on stage, I wanna do something where I can dress pretty,
Like, Genie, or something.
I could be pretty if I was Genie. RIGHT?
Oh well, Any ideas?
Do I remind anyone of any disney princesses?
lol, me a princess? not likely. hmm, maybe I don't know.
oh, I could be the little mermaid, but I don't really want a big role,
I think Quasi only does that duet with Frolo.
I can do that. I pretty much mimik frolo.
W/e I'll find something where I can dress pretty.
Like, I think the whole costume makeup change will be the funnest part.
yeah, I really would like that, attempting to put on makeup and get dressed and take off a hunch. Tee hee.
Friday the 13th is coming up and its supposed to be my lucky day. woop woop.
Oh and superbowl. Yay, big party with the parents. lol.
I'm really disliking this roadtrip.
The guys are all gone after february, Frank, West, Coffey, I think Lucas too.
Damn it sucks.
oh well, I geuss we will just have to replace them.
too bad, I really was attached to those guys.


No face as hideous as my face, was ever meant for heaven's light, then suddenly an angel smiled at me,

 
      3 play the role of  - concerned?
 
   
08:52am 06/01/2006
 

acjleiuh

 

  
      2 play the role of  - concerned?
 
bored bored bored..   
03:12pm 11/12/2005
  Let's see... Things to do today..
-Make my secret santa box,
- Make my secret santa clues,
- Buy secret Santa Gift..
- Do all the math make up.
Sounds like a fun filled day.
I got a full nights sleep last night, Lord knows I loved it.
MIDTERMS TOMORO!! WHO'S EXCITED??
noone I presume..
I need to figure out what to put on that box, My person didn't really give me much to work with.
I suppose I can improvise. eh, My headaches coming back. Damn antibiotics..
Oh, I got offered a cigarette yesterday, and I said NO woop woop.
I think the only way I will ever really quit cigaretes for more than fifteen days is if I cut my finger and sign a contract in blood. I did it last year. and it worked really well. So, if this next attempt to starve myself of nicotene doesn't work. then, that will be my next extreme.
Time to start on the box!		  
      4 play the role of  - concerned?
 
prescription speed..   
08:07am 10/12/2005
 
mood: NO CIGARETES!!
music: click clack click clack
this entry really isn't interesting, I'm writing it more for me and my own goals because typing is faster than paper and pen. I should probly put this on private, but there are a few people who deserve to read this.

Prescription Speed..

What a thing of no more... (did that make sense?)
omg.
Adderall is a drug for people who want to lay in bed all night and pretend they're sleeping,
meanwhile, they are in a state of awakened sleep. The spot that we slide through as we go into sleep, only, we aren't supposed to stay there more than a few seconds. With adderall, you live there, You can't go to sleep, but you aren't fully awake, (mind you, you can wake up whenever you want) it's like you are in lucid sleeping with hallucinogenic dreams. I know that may sound interesting but it's not. I can understand taking this for midterms and such, but it is NOT a recreational drug.
I've gotten 45 minutes of sleep tonight. and not all at once, little fifteen minute intervals.
oh and adderall doesn't mix with bright lights or loud noises.
Never again,
I'm done,
I've let go of it all.
Cigarettes are the only thing that i have a little bit of trouble with.
Mostly because it's socially exceptable and you can do it anywhere.
and it's all around you.
But i've had my epiphany, if cigarettes are now my only struggle i can do it.
the rest is lost to the wind. marijuana, cocaine, lsd, ecstasy, dextromethorphan,
I'm even kinda over alcohol. I don't like drinking with my friends anymore.
Just my family. They are the shit for tequila shots.
I always feel uneasy drinking outside of my parents.
this was not the case in 9th grade, but it is now, i don't know why.
i like having the occasional corona with my friends, but that isn't drinking, it's relaxing.
I'm finally getting my priorities straight, I'm growing up.
I'm growing out of the substance phase. (Well, I am out of it)
Today is Daniela's birthday she's 17, and I sat there last night watching all of them get drunk and knew that if I was drunk I wouldn't have been enjoying myself.
Thanks to Carlos, Lauren, Juan, Alex H., And Alex Anthony, for staying sober with me. Okay, so like most of us were sober.
But I wasn't completely sober.
I think I had 3 cigarettes yesterday. I won't be having any today, or tomorrow, or this week, it's next weekend that I'm worried about. I'm most likely going to forget about how disgusted I am by them today, when next weekend rolls around and I will probly have to smoke some all over again, and be disgusted once more. How long will this cycle continue? It's a virulent one, I tell you that.

I just realized I'm most likely really dehydrated right now. I've had like 3 advils 2 adderalls 1 antibiotic, and I've been peeing like bust your balls falls (bust your balls falls is a waterfall you can slide down in North Carolina)oh and not to mention I had nearly spoiled milk. Yum.
Water. I can feel my body rejuvinating. It's like I can't get enough. If this is what I've needed all night then shame on me. Forgive me for being out of adderall practice, and I don't intend to get back into it.
I enjoy sobriety, I really do. It's not like I didn't before, but, I think I have a new found appreciation for it. This is the state of mind i was given and I shouldn't constantly be altering it. (Not like I was fucked up all the time, but I can embellish a little can't i?) I have a pressure headache. The kind where your body wants to sleep but your head says no.
I have dance today, I don't know how I'm gonna pull it off, but I'll attempt, maybe I'll just go and tell her I can't dance and fall asleep somewhere at the JCC. I've slept there before, with Laur and Leese. That was good fun.
I really feel like writing more. It's a good release but my better judgement is telling me to try and get some shut-eye, and I must obey.		  
      3 play the role of  - concerned?
 
The entry you've all been waiting for....   
07:16pm 14/11/2005
  It all started on thursday after school.
Me and Nell went to my house for a brief moment.
and then proceeded to go to get noel at his grandma's house..
as usual i got lost...
then, we headed on over to SW.
We saw Katrina and NEECEY and she gave us our tickets then left us to go change..
Nell Noel and I decide to sit at benches..
We did and then Uriel frankie and alex come "/
We give them there tickets and then they bolt.
finally noel nell and I go to take our seats..
In the line we find Ryan And Ian, odd I know..
we take our seats and watched EAGLES FLING.
My favorite performance of all was most definately the straight jacket dance solo.
It was beautiful, made me mad that i had to skip dance..
Denise was Frankenstein's bride and I recognized her by her feet.
lol, funny i know.
The dances were cute and alot of it was funny, like when denises wig fell off and she didnt' know.
The movies were great. hooper sounds awesome..
Then i went backstage and had a fun time in the dressing room.
So it was time to head out,
Me, Neece, Nell, and Kiki we went to burger king
and then dropped off kiki at Julies, WE saw alex and raul <3 to both
Denise Nell and I went to my house where Roman, Alexis, and Santi meet us.
We play in my kitchen and i munched on Roman's # 9 !!!YUM!!!
They stayed for about an hour and a half,
on the way out neece and nell showed off how blessed they were HEHE
What secrets we shared,
Then we chased the beloved boys with boobahs de plastica and stuck em on there windows FUN
I jumped on the hood screaming "Roman, mi amor, no leave, Mi AMOR!!"
Trust me I have a horrible spanish accent..
Afterwuurds, Us ladies went to the backyard and had fun rolling a decent JJ
We had a great time,
But then we started seeing this helicopter circling us like bam!
We got reEEEEAAALYllyy scared and ran inside, :D
inside we were safe,
I put on trippy music and danced,
Nell found my heavy purse and danced with it,
and we put our boobs on our faces and i couldnt' breath
It was scary!
The next day nell left and me and neece went to neece's house.
We found wendy and went on the roof, it was good fun,
We listened to music and i saw mofucking trees dancing in indian outfits and playing drums... it was insane..
then we played with our shadows.
We went inside and got dressed,
it felt like we had waited for a decade for people to get there.
i thought people didn't like us,
lol.
then they get there and we pile in and i see the marx left by plastic boobies..
I sat on laurens lap and i hadn't seen her since 7th grade. weerd.
we get to the hotel and it just me mel neece russo and andrew..
i fought russo about his watergun... then stacies mom came,
Then we were all realy sedated and quiet and boring.. so,..
i decide to explore the hotel.. it was wierd, i didn't feel high at all now that i think back to it, i was braindead!
so i say i'm going out and russo comes, the rest of the people sleep.
Russo and i went to the top floor where we found stairs to the roof.
I didnt' feel safe on the roof so i went back to the hotel to get weapons..HA!HA! how dorky can i get, i went and got my wallet chain as a weapon... yeah i WASN'T high.
then we went back up and explored, then we sat on this little edge
We talked, and i finally remember what it was about..
then security came and kicked us off.
so we went in search for a pool,
they didnt' have one,
then we went to find a pool, there wasn't one,
so we went to the second floor by way of stairs,
There was a couch in front of the elevators so we sat down.
we played a game,
If anyone came through my side i get a point
and if anyone on his side, he gets a point,
and depending on the person different amounts of points,
the security passed by twice from my side, hehe the security thought we were terrorists.
I won the whole thing, 3 to 1 GO ME!
then they called us and said the homecomers were here.
so we went up and alexis tried to get me to drink but i wasn't up for it.
Everyone thought i was sick or tired but like, i was braindead surrounded by commotion.
SO lol, i put myself in the closet.
Everyone's like wtf?? are u okay?
I'm like, what's wrong with the closet.
so like,
Russo joins me in and out, and then denise sez we have to leave..
so we do.
I wake up at seven to go work a garage sale, fun for me,
nell calls, she's like come pick me up
So i do,
and then like we were bored so we call, some people and make some plans for the good ol' town and country..
We pick up west, go to get beer then get cory and jorge,
we arrive at t&c
then roman, russo, alexis, and santi show up,
BIG PARTY!!
of course nell and i were the only girls,
It happens that way,
We played at the pool, snack machines, flippers, cvs, my car, and blah blah blah
the bridge seems to be off limits..
;o;
carlos shows up.. fun!!
we chill, eat pixie stix have a candy fight all that good stuff,
then the sw boys had to leave
kiki and julie and the unspeakable get there,
they are dexing,
btw i'm perfectly sober, sux for me,
everyone else is either stoned or drinking or suCh.
then i have to leave, so i take people to the places they need to go..
nell and i get home,
We take a bath and literally get eaten by bubbles,
Like, Whitney standing up in the bubbles, it was up to her boobies.
AAAHHH
Sitting didn't work for anyone
We had no idea what to do with it.
we were scared, so we jump out and shut the door and hope it gone when we wake up,
it was,
then we fell asleep watching saved!
God, I love that movie.
next day we do ANOTHER GARAGE SALE
but we each made 10 dollars,
WOOP
then i went to dance,
nell came and was official dog watcher,
heheh,
then we went to thanksgiving dinner,
I almost passed out,
tooo much work for whitney,
so, we ate,
and went to the park and met up once again with west and cory,
we got drenched and ran to my car, then i had to leave and we did,
fun!!
I liked this weekend,
new people,
LOTS OF FUN
I liked it,
I feel like i got closer to some people
it was new different a change
i can't stand the same thing for too long
i start getting anxious
So yeah i liked it,
I miss the SW crew they're fun people
and it was differet hanging out with them without neece,
But cool,
YIP YIP		  
      1 play the role of  - concerned?
 
DAMN GARAGE SALES!!!   
11:10pm 13/11/2005
  lol.
Well, today i did some interesting things
I've been awake for faaar too long.
but,
i thought i must tell the world..
Today i looked up the word choad with nell.
We found out that alot of people are in controversy over the word.
Some people think it can be used to describe anything.
others think it's a noun for a specific member.
Some people think it just means penis or area around penis.
others think it describes length and width.
The word choad dates back A LOOOOOOONG time.
in india the word choad is slang for FUCK.
So, Linguists believe that it came into english
throught the british when they tried to civilize the indians..
And we must all exalt ghandi for that time period.
anywho,
I might update about my weekend later.
For now i sleep off my headache..


<<<333 spreading knowledge		  
      concerned?
 
   
01:54pm 08/11/2005
 
mood: chipper
music: something there that wasn't there before!
HEHEHEHEHEEHHEHEHEHE,
Boys are silly.
They are stupid.
They have no idea the hold women have on them.
HEHEEHHEHEHEHEE,
okay so yeah anyway,
I didn't go to school today,
I wanted to but just not early, i wanted to go late
My parents wouldn't alow that.
I dunno, they just didn't wake me up.
It really doesn't make sense..
oh well, i'm like writing insanely..
w/e,
I'm hungry..
woop need food and coffeee,
I noticed the less cigarettes I smoke the more coffee i need
so yeah, i believe that if i don't stop smoking soon,
I will have to do another blood oath..
it worked last time,
so it will probly work again this time.
WOOP.
COFFEEE!		  
      concerned?
 
   
01:08pm 05/11/2005
 
mood: cynical
music: Sense of Touch/ Mark Isham
Yep Yep..
I'm supposed to be hanging out with neece and nell today
I don't know where,
But maybe I'll have the car
And we can just drive around and be idiots.
That woood be fun
lol.
I miss our dumb videos
when Nell was aloud at neece's and
I stayed there that weekend cuz
my parents went out of town.
lol.
Things have changed..
some changes I like,
Some I hate..
And alot I'm just indifferent.
I've changed.
I can feel it.
It might just be that i'm growing up.
and since things are changing I'm adapting.
I keep thinking maybe if I regress,
The things I want to come back, will.
I know that's ridiculous.

I miss when all the guys and nat. and sarah came to killian
and we all went to the park and just did stupid things..
and the drama that went on was stupid things that really had no meaning.
Back when we were all together and all one
and when smoking and drinking was our one and only means.
W/e
It just feels like growing up has uncovered horrible truths about the world
and like, pessimism surrounds and embodies our very beings.
Depressing I know.

The drama that's here now
is kinda dorment.
But it's still there.
Swimming and breathing just below the surface.
It will never fully leave until addressed and resolved.
But noone's willing right now.
It's getting to the cold season and everyone's getting together.
It's cute.
But it just makes me feel like,
Relationships are just to pass the time of school
Cuz you know, summer rolls around.
and everyone wants to be single and party.
In summer, relationships are a burden.
In winter, they are a sanctuary.
What does that say about people and their 'feelings' for eachother.

God damnit why am i so pessimistic?
is it because i hold the truth to so many living lies..
meaning I have dirt on people.
blackmail, for lack of a better term.
But like,
I don't know if I wanna slice through the ignorence.
Should I let the sunshine of the spotless mind continue.
Or do I shine a dark light into their empty cavernous minds.
Would it make a difference?
Would the light be observed and perminant?
Or would it just wash over and through till it's our the other side?
Unnoticed or acknowledged.
I can't say.

I either want to grow up really fast and get to college..
Or go back and time and freeze it.
But innocence lost can never be restored.
I wander if I'll ever find a new innocence within me
One I can cherish and keep.
One that I will learn to love.
I miss innocence.
I need to be introduced to some new tempting horror.
and actually turn it down.
so I can find that innocence..
and keep it..

Why and I thinking so much today??
GAHGANA EHKANK
STOP!!
Thought's = BAD!!		  
      4 play the role of  - concerned?
 
   
08:49am 03/11/2005
 
mood: tyiping
music: pittter patter pitter patter
Bored.
Lol.
So okay,
Let me update the world.
I'm good yo.
lol
This hurricane break has been fun.
I can't remember any dates tho.
First it was just hanging out with my fam.
I love them shmoes.
Bonfire, Monique, Stars, NO electricity, barbecue, the whole gang.
It was good fun!
Then Lauren and Leese call me at like 10.
So the tell me..
"Whitney, do you want to drive a car and make 60 bucks?"
So of course I'm like SHOOORE
I stay the night at laurens.
We wake up at 5 30 in the morning
and her mother takes us to my house.
Where we forego walking inside and head to the bus stop.
God damnit it was still dark outside!!
lol.
So we get on the bus thinking the metro is not working
and it was going to be a long grueling bus ride from like,
the 88 to the 555 to the something something to the s
all the way down to the last stop.
But, when we get on the bus the man says
"The metrrro rrraaiirr is rruning forr frrree"
So we praise halleluyah!
So we take the bus ride and end up at eagles national bank
Where we get assigned cars and head out to the gas station.
My car smelled like old nasty lady and it had alot of nasty shit in it.
And NO music.
W/e I called to my friends at BIG
So we wait in line for hours.
Finally we get to the gas station.
Where I forget to put the car in park
and it starts rolling backwards as I'm getting out.
The Gas men had a good laugh at that.
I got paid my sixty dollars and went to aventura for a brownie.
then we got a ride to T&C with nick.
He's a funny guy let me tell you.
Nell meets us and we go and hang out.
Robert stole my skateboard.
And broke his foot on it.
Smart man that robert.
Daniela spends the night at my house
Where we get all hallucinationated
What an amazing night
Great Great Buddha how we praise you.
Daniela comes with me to dance.
WOOHOO.
and then I kinda don't remember what happened after that.
Some how i think she got home,
I don't know what i did that night either.
I just remembered what we were planning to do for halloween.
Oh yeah that's what happened.
Her and i got home and began playing with costumes.
and planned to get nell to the beach.
WOOPWOOP
so the big beach day comes.
Nell gets to my house, along with
Lauren and Emily.
We get to katrina's and julie arrives
Then we head out on the bus that we didn't think was coming.
We get to 85 and julie and katrina are dexxing there faces off.
We meet frank halfway, woop.
so we get there and I immediately change into something more comfortable.
All in all it was a fun night.
Everyone seemed to have the fun they wanted.
Except the guy that threatened us.
w/e
Daniela and Coffey found eachother.
and geuss what??
Lucy got Lay Lay.
You know what I mean
Lucas had ***
YOu knwo i just can't say it.
It's too hard
to unfathomable for words.
But it happened. I sat around and played with
MJ.
:D
i argued about tuburculosous with this insane chic.
and then in the morning we bused back to Katrina's
Where me and the gals got picked up and then they got piked up.
And then Daniela and I tried to watch a movie but we ended up sleeping.
HEHE
Long nights will do that to you.
Then i chilled at home to recooperate for school
and here I am in 2nd period updated for lack of something better to do.
:D		  
      6 play the role of  - concerned?
 
   
09:34am 21/10/2005
  AGAGAGAGAGA
Life is odd.
Like, wierd,
Like, I dunno,
Like BLAH!!!!!
kekekekekekeek b
Bleeop
I have to pee!!
My head hurts..
No more cigarretes..
I think..
I dunno,
I hate confusion of it all...
KEKEOEOPKEOOPKEOPa
boredom		  
      6 play the role of  - concerned?
 
LiFe (Longest entry ever)   
08:54am 18/10/2005
 
mood: Good Day!
music: running thoughts
Life is funny,
I did some drugs this weekend. and like,
They were supposed to help me find
"the meaning of life"
All I came to realize,
is that drugs are kinda dumb
and I'm really not gonna do them anymore
Same thing with cigarrettes.
I haven't done anything in 2 days.
It isn't that long of a break,
BUT, it's a start.
I like it better this way.
Like, generally when I say I'm stopping,
It's because my sober self tells me to
Not because I was on a few drugs and
the drugs were saying "WHY?!?"
like, I think the most I will do
Is smoke like once eery 2 months
with neece and nell.
it's better tha way.
I still wanta try shrooms.
But it's not like a life goal.
I'm gonna start focusing on school
Like I had an epifany on sunday.
I slept through my little cousins b-day party.
Because I was crashing from all the things from
the night before.
And like, I realized that it really wasn't worth
The exhaustion and headache,
I went to the drum circle tripping,
I had done that before but this time was different..
I dunno,
This whole trip was different.
And then I snorted part of a rolL
Part of me is happy that I can say
"oh yeah I'm so fucking hardcore man I snorted a roll"
LOl
But like, this other part of me sees it as the last straw,
I've dropped to a very low level and I'm not too proud.
don't get me wrong.
I love drugs and I hold nothing against people who do them.
I just don't think i can handle anymore.
I have too much to worry about,
Too much to look forward to.
It's my junior year and what?
I don't want to be fucking up for the rest of my life.
I at least want to try and stick with softcore stuff this year.

It's so wierd.
The process of it all.
Like I started off smoking,
the whole..
"I really want to and since everyone's doing it..."
thingy.
Then it went to aderol.
I wanted something different from the burnt-ness of smoking.
Adrian was fun, he became a good friend,
and since I only took perscription doses,
where was the harm??
Then we found dexter, I must say of every drug I've ever done,
He will probly stick with me he most.
Like, So many times, of flexibility and yawns over taking my body,
Such a pleasent familiarity. But of course I couldnt' be with Dexter without Adrian,It didn't work well that way,
We were a threesome.
Next thing knew,
i was introducing myself to Lucy,
She Was an amazing cat.
Like for real, She showed me some good times
Lucy seemed so wise and smart and like she revealed secrets
to EVERYTHING!
She showed me the world, inside and out.
but Then she introduced me to Xavier.
Reluctantly I may add.
Me and Xavier got off to a rocky start.
I hated him at first.
But then I decided hell, might as well try it again,
I was just in a bad mood last time,
And Xavier was awesome,
Where were we the second time i saw him?
I don't remember..
Oh Yeah.
The Hotel, He was cool, But he didn't last long,
He was good, but not satisfying enough that time,
I wanted more, So I saw him again at JC's house.
He was great but I got a little nauseous.
No Biggie,
then Lauren invited Lucy and Xavier over to my house.
Lucy hung out with lauren, emily, and leese,
I hung out with Xavier.
He was really good to me this time,
No nausea no headache, Just pure goodness,
I was satisfied,
BUt I wanted to see Lucy just me and her again,
So, This weekend, I
I had a run in with Lucy,
She seemed like she had something important to tell me.
So I listened and I waited with her until she was ready,
And finally she opened up and told me,
She was worried,
She didn't want to see me fuck up my life for her.
She wanted me to go and get out and make something of myself.
She wanted me to realize that it was kinda becoming more than
'Recreational'
It was becoming an every weekend thing.
It needed to stop,
It needed to take a break.
And that's what I intend to do.
As I said before,
I've always seen Lucy as a wise individual,
with the secret to everything.
since I respect her so, I am going to do as she says.
I believe her and trust in her.
She's always been so smart.
She's showed me a good time and she knows
she needs to break the ties before I'm hooked.
I think Dexter I will miss the most,
And of course Adrian goes along with him.
but I think they'll understand.
they will all understand.
Lucy also gave me some advice about what to do about the people who have been wrong to me.
She says, to just let them be
And pity them,
for they know not how immature they are.
And this will come back to get them
She says, that I have to move on and
if our paths should cross peacefully in the future,
then that is what is meant to happen.
I'm not gonna give in.
I'll wait it out.
People gotta grow up sooner or later.
I just gotta see what they grow into.
I gotta see what I
Grow into.		  
      4 play the role of  - concerned?
 
 
firecateyez7
 
 
skip  
 
 

Advertisement